Lost People

A friend of mine the other day felt that black people should call themselves Americans and not African-Americans since they are from America. As soon as he said that I was ready to snap, but I didn't because this guy is someone I'm dating. Also, take note that he is from Africa, born and raised. His comment made me want to snap at him because I consider myself African-American not black.

This is because we are a lost people. We were taken away from our home and shipped somewhere we did not comprehend. Most of our ancestors did not make it. Once we got to America we were continuously beaten, belittled, and raped. We tried to keep our African culture but we couldn't because we were not allowed to read, write, and sing, since we were not counted as being human by white Americans.

We have become a lost people. We are not African and we are not American, yet define ourselves by the standards of whites. This is a deep, generational, psychological problem that is still going on today. Our DNA tells us that we have African blood so we are indeed African but there is no real way of telling where we came from and if we will be accepted by those Africans.

It is really hard being us period because we are so lost. People say that we should get over our past, but our past defines who we are today. We are African-American because of our past and no matter what we are still going to be that. It's hard to see how every other culture has such pride but we are lost. The pride we do have still has us trying to meet the standards of whites. It frustrating but it's important for us to keep in our mind constantly.

I feel like we are the only people that feels ashamed when we are successful because we still have that mentality that we are less than everyone else. Even our president acts in that manner when the issue of race comes up. He is a bi-racial president and yet they call him a black president. This is because that one drop rule still is in effect. Meaning that even if bi-racial, if you have any amount of black blood in you, you're black.

We have a very complicated and frustrating past but we can change the future by building a culture of togetherness and success. Other cultures do better financially and educationally because they constantly help each other. We need to do the same and redefine who we are as a people. Don't become the stereotype and remember where you came from. We don't have to be lost anymore.

Why do people enjoy other people's downfall? Are humans just like every other animal? It seems that we are all competitive by nature. Weather we want to admit it or not there is always someone you wish would fail at something. I am saying this because I found myself doing this the other day when I was on the phone with a friend of mine. She was going into modeling, not because she wanted to but because she had the height and high cheek bones the industry wanted. I have always wanted to model and get paid for it since I was little but I'm too thick and too short. If I get a job offer it's for glam shots. Some guy wants to get paid off my sexy, thick body. I love my body but I also can't stand the kind of attention it gets from guys and girls. Girls hate on it because that's what guys want and guys want it for sex. I'm more than a pin-up, I'm a work of art but I can't seem to find the jobs I want. It's sad because that has been one of my passions for so long. To see a friend that I know that don't want it but gets booked for jobs, frustrates me. I just wonder if I'm being a bad friend or is that just human nature?

What I think about love...

I feel that love is instant and you feel it through your soul. It's unexplainable but it makes you feel good. You feel like you can't function without that person. That's how I feel about this guy now. Every since I laid eyes on him 3 years ago. The sad part is that he has commitment issues. He can't be with one woman. The right thing is to pull away from him but I feel he is my soulmate. I can't just let that go without a fight. I actually tried to and it seemed more like torture to myself than to him. I've gotten into relationships simply to stop thinking about him. They did not last because they were not real from the beginning. A friend of mine was in the same situation and she told me that I just have to figure it out for myself. I just find it funny how I can see other people's problems but I can't really see mine. I have been in denile. He hurt me really bad but I still love him because I believe he really loves me too. We have the perfect time together but once we talk about feelings he gets stiff. He shuts off from me like I'm some kind of stranger. Can't he see how much that hurts me? I don't know what to do but I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I want to hear those three little words and if I don't I know what to do. I need to let go and focus on me. I can't go cold turkey but every little bit counts. I will always love this man but I can't be wondering if he is with someone else. I deserve better. At times I have thought that I am unworthy of love because of my family. My mother never told me she loved me. My brother that I looked up to always called me ugly. I just never fit into my family and this is why I do not keep in contact with them. The wounds are always open and I'm not sure they can be fixed. The advice I offer to anyone who is in this situation is to fix yourself first.

Sick of being Sick

No, I do not have the swine flu, but I do have the common cold. I have been out of school for almost two weeks. I have been really weak, and I have had headaches that last all day long. I need to buy some food but I don't have a car and Cali weather is not so great right now. I have been sick since school started. I was hoping last quarter would be it. Last quarter I was sick for a month and it cost me my grade an A, two C, and two B's. Most people would say that is good but for someone trying to get on the dean's list, it's terrible. I have not been on the dean's list since my freshman year. It really sucks. I blame it on my sickness. My roommate has pnemonia also. The dorms contributed to that. The whole fall and most of winter quarter our heater did not work. Even though we put in several request for maintance request, nobody came. I was really angry at housing because it shows that they do not care about student's education. They just want our money. Right now I'm torn between living off campus and staying. Being on campus gives me the luxury of sleeping in but being off gives me the luxury of less noise and privacy. The decision is my own. I just hope I make the right one.

Gettin In Shape

I did not realize how much work has to be put in for a fitness routine. I never worried about that until college. That's when I started putting on pounds. I gained about 20 pounds!!! I can't believe it but I have been staying at 150 since I have been in college. I'm not gaining or losing. I took this fitness training class so I could learn how to work the machines. In order to do that you really have to know your body parts. It's good class for anyone who wants to learn about their nutrition and how to use weights. I have definitely had more energy since I've been taking the class. You are what you eat but you are also what DNA says you are. If obesity runs in your family chances are you will be that way. Looking at me, I don't look big because my proportions are balanced but once I get on the scale it's a different story. I eat healthy too but I do not do enough cardio. I am definitely stepping it up. I have to do cardio everyday.

The direction of my career.....

Why can't I seem to focus right now? I just want to be done with college right now and go straight into my dream job. I know that is not reality though. I was looking at a friend of mines college yearbook. He graduated in 2004 and wanted to go into radio. He dose something totally opposite. I want to be a journalist but is it gonna be that difficult for me to get the job I want? I'm sure he likes his job but I'm also sure that he never thought he would be in the profession that he is in. I just want to be able to use my degree in Mass Communication. I have a lot to offer but I hope my employer can see that. I am starting to notice that the smartest thing for me to do is to create my own business or join a new one. It's nice to say that you did something on your own or you contributed to the foundation of something new, that nobody thought of before. I like to be original but I feel like most of my classes are not letting me do that. I like to write what's on my mind, something I know, not info from a book. That is what is making me stuck right now. I could have turned in my paper on time yesterday but I do not want a C on my paper I want an A. I just realized it's not that I'm not focused, its that I don't want to do what the class requires me to do. This paper is definitely going to be an A.

Being a Journalist

I know I have a lot to learn when it comes to writing but it feels best when it comes strait from the heart. I hate to copy facts because it feels like it's not me but it's part of the game. I am good at giving and getting information. I love to see my work inspire people. I did not realize I could write really well until my English teacher in high school asked my mother to come in to talk about my work. I really thought I was in trouble but I could not figure out why. She told my mother that I had unbelievable skills and that I was more advanced in writing than all the students in my class. It's sad that my mother had too much going on in her life to help me advance my writing skills. I guess the middle child gets overlooked automatically. As the years went on I stopped writing as much. When I got to college I picked back up on my writing because it was the only thing that calmed me when I was stressed or excited. I'm not much of a talker but I sure can write. Sometimes a little bit too much. I love to write feature stories because it helps me get to know people individually. When I was interning with Exposed Expressions I did various sales pitches and feature articles for up and coming artist. That was so fun because I got to be creative. If anyone ever has a story or wants to share their story let me know.