What I think about love...

I feel that love is instant and you feel it through your soul. It's unexplainable but it makes you feel good. You feel like you can't function without that person. That's how I feel about this guy now. Every since I laid eyes on him 3 years ago. The sad part is that he has commitment issues. He can't be with one woman. The right thing is to pull away from him but I feel he is my soulmate. I can't just let that go without a fight. I actually tried to and it seemed more like torture to myself than to him. I've gotten into relationships simply to stop thinking about him. They did not last because they were not real from the beginning. A friend of mine was in the same situation and she told me that I just have to figure it out for myself. I just find it funny how I can see other people's problems but I can't really see mine. I have been in denile. He hurt me really bad but I still love him because I believe he really loves me too. We have the perfect time together but once we talk about feelings he gets stiff. He shuts off from me like I'm some kind of stranger. Can't he see how much that hurts me? I don't know what to do but I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I want to hear those three little words and if I don't I know what to do. I need to let go and focus on me. I can't go cold turkey but every little bit counts. I will always love this man but I can't be wondering if he is with someone else. I deserve better. At times I have thought that I am unworthy of love because of my family. My mother never told me she loved me. My brother that I looked up to always called me ugly. I just never fit into my family and this is why I do not keep in contact with them. The wounds are always open and I'm not sure they can be fixed. The advice I offer to anyone who is in this situation is to fix yourself first.

Sick of being Sick

No, I do not have the swine flu, but I do have the common cold. I have been out of school for almost two weeks. I have been really weak, and I have had headaches that last all day long. I need to buy some food but I don't have a car and Cali weather is not so great right now. I have been sick since school started. I was hoping last quarter would be it. Last quarter I was sick for a month and it cost me my grade an A, two C, and two B's. Most people would say that is good but for someone trying to get on the dean's list, it's terrible. I have not been on the dean's list since my freshman year. It really sucks. I blame it on my sickness. My roommate has pnemonia also. The dorms contributed to that. The whole fall and most of winter quarter our heater did not work. Even though we put in several request for maintance request, nobody came. I was really angry at housing because it shows that they do not care about student's education. They just want our money. Right now I'm torn between living off campus and staying. Being on campus gives me the luxury of sleeping in but being off gives me the luxury of less noise and privacy. The decision is my own. I just hope I make the right one.