This Week So Far

Sometimes I feel as if the whole world is on my shoulders and other times it's like I don't give a damn. This week has been fun with family and friends, but lacked a bit in the work arena. I think fear crept up on me this week. I now work in the financial and cleaning business. I like both because I get to help people while making new friends. The financial business is intimidating at times because people judge you non-stop, especially when you're new. What's great is that the company I work for is a very positive and supportive environment. I can really see myself growing in this company and have my own office in the next 4 years. I have been reading books on finance, looking at articles online, and listening to audio. One thing that I do notice is that there is always that one idiot that tries to out do you. You can't tell someone how to do their job if you've never done it. It's human nature to judge but it's just pure evilness to act on it in order to kill a person's spirit. I've had plenty of friends like this and they're still my friend. My aunt Sherry was wondering why I was still friends with them. I told her that these people don't know any better and that there is something going on in their life that's not working. They just wanted me to feel how they're feeling, but they went about it in the wrong way. I do forgive people easily because in both of these industries you have to. A cleaning position is not disgraceful but it has that reputation. There is a lot a trust for a person to let you come into their home and clean. You learn about that person, and they open up to you. The same goes for the financial business. It takes a lot of trust for someone to let you know what their financial problems are and admitting that they need help. Providing people with a service is something that is social and intimate and requires a positive mindset. I have the right qualities to be in both businesses, but I need to put my fears aside.

Hanging On For What?

After having a conversation with a friend of mine yesterday, I realized that I was still thinking like a kid when it came to relationships. I wanted this person to be the one, so I could have the happy ending I always wanted. I can still have it, but just not with this person.
One thing that stuck out to me in our conversation is that she said, "There was no such thing as soul mates, it's just two people getting together who feel mutually about each other". It was hard for me to comprehend but she explained it to me later.
"What is so special about this guy that you feel he is meant for you?, she asked.
I said, " He knows me and I feel I can completely be myself around him all the time".
She said, "Really? Don't I know you completely? Can't you let someone else get to know you completely?".
I said, "Yeah, I can be myself around you and I can let someone else get to know me".
She said, " We'll why are you holding on to a guy that after however many years clearly doesn't want you?".
I told my friend, " I don't know. I guess I feel there is no one out there is for me".
I realized at that moment I was deciding to not let anyone else get close to me because I had decided there was no one out there for me but him. How crazy is that? Moreover, my friend bluntly said, "You're selling yourself short. There is a world full of men who will want someone as beautiful, talented, and as smart as you. For now live your life and have fun being single and dating. Don't set yourself up for disappointment and depression. It's not worth it".
For me it was so easy to see other people's issues but it was hard to see mine. I now agree with men about women being emotional creatures, but they are too. The only difference between a man and a woman's emotions is that us women act on them. I let this very thought of being with this person control my every move forward and now that I see it, it's easy to let go.
It's so weird how discussions can make your mindset shift completely. I know this may seem foolish to men, but this is what most women go through most of their lives. We want to get married, have children, a great career, and a great husband. We just don't know how to do it all and stay happy too. Remember that saying: "Somethings gotta give"? We'll we have been brought up thinking we can't have it all when we can. I've believed that, my brother believed that, my mom and others believed that as well. The truth is we can have anything we want if we believe it. I have not had the love I wanted because I did not think I deserved it, but now I do. Your emotions control every aspect of your life and if you don't have that in control you can't be your best in any area.
This is all my opinion that I'm giving, so if you disagree about some of this stuff please let me know. I want to know your opinions as well. A lot of these thoughts got sparked after reading Flux, by Peggy Orenstein. She interviewed several successful women all over the place and asked them about sex, work, love, kids, and life in a half-changed American society.

Knock You Down

Why is that women naturally feel they have to submit to make a relationship work? A relationship is a union, not a dictatorship. So often us women lose who we are because of men wanting whoever they want when they want them. If a guy can have Sally, Sam, and Sara; I should be able to have Mark, David, and John, right? Why must women be committed and men don't have to be? This is not an equal relationship and I am not any man's property. They talk about the angry black woman who is mad for no reason. First of all, it's not just the Black woman who are mad. Secondly, she is not mad for no reason. She has trusted men and friends over and over again, only to be let down. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. That was a saying my friend would say in regards to relationships. She meant learn from your mistakes the first time around. We live and we learn. If he did it once he will do it again. So if this is true, there should be no wonder why a woman would become angry. She trust someone new too many times and now she believes that all men are the same. Men get offended, but what can we do? Actually the better question is, what can men do to keep the trust of women? One suggestion I have is to stop making it okay to be a womanizer in our American society. It's pathetic but it's what men and women learn is okay. Obviously, I have been hurt myself one too many times but I'm not holding a grudge anymore. I just want to help other women move on from the terrible cycle of eventually being angry at everyone not just men. Any type of negativity is not good for anyone. No one I know wants to be around an angry person. So fellas, if you have some advice give it. I really want to hear your opinions.

Lost People

A friend of mine the other day felt that black people should call themselves Americans and not African-Americans since they are from America. As soon as he said that I was ready to snap, but I didn't because this guy is someone I'm dating. Also, take note that he is from Africa, born and raised. His comment made me want to snap at him because I consider myself African-American not black.

This is because we are a lost people. We were taken away from our home and shipped somewhere we did not comprehend. Most of our ancestors did not make it. Once we got to America we were continuously beaten, belittled, and raped. We tried to keep our African culture but we couldn't because we were not allowed to read, write, and sing, since we were not counted as being human by white Americans.

We have become a lost people. We are not African and we are not American, yet define ourselves by the standards of whites. This is a deep, generational, psychological problem that is still going on today. Our DNA tells us that we have African blood so we are indeed African but there is no real way of telling where we came from and if we will be accepted by those Africans.

It is really hard being us period because we are so lost. People say that we should get over our past, but our past defines who we are today. We are African-American because of our past and no matter what we are still going to be that. It's hard to see how every other culture has such pride but we are lost. The pride we do have still has us trying to meet the standards of whites. It frustrating but it's important for us to keep in our mind constantly.

I feel like we are the only people that feels ashamed when we are successful because we still have that mentality that we are less than everyone else. Even our president acts in that manner when the issue of race comes up. He is a bi-racial president and yet they call him a black president. This is because that one drop rule still is in effect. Meaning that even if bi-racial, if you have any amount of black blood in you, you're black.

We have a very complicated and frustrating past but we can change the future by building a culture of togetherness and success. Other cultures do better financially and educationally because they constantly help each other. We need to do the same and redefine who we are as a people. Don't become the stereotype and remember where you came from. We don't have to be lost anymore.

Why do people enjoy other people's downfall? Are humans just like every other animal? It seems that we are all competitive by nature. Weather we want to admit it or not there is always someone you wish would fail at something. I am saying this because I found myself doing this the other day when I was on the phone with a friend of mine. She was going into modeling, not because she wanted to but because she had the height and high cheek bones the industry wanted. I have always wanted to model and get paid for it since I was little but I'm too thick and too short. If I get a job offer it's for glam shots. Some guy wants to get paid off my sexy, thick body. I love my body but I also can't stand the kind of attention it gets from guys and girls. Girls hate on it because that's what guys want and guys want it for sex. I'm more than a pin-up, I'm a work of art but I can't seem to find the jobs I want. It's sad because that has been one of my passions for so long. To see a friend that I know that don't want it but gets booked for jobs, frustrates me. I just wonder if I'm being a bad friend or is that just human nature?

What I think about love...

I feel that love is instant and you feel it through your soul. It's unexplainable but it makes you feel good. You feel like you can't function without that person. That's how I feel about this guy now. Every since I laid eyes on him 3 years ago. The sad part is that he has commitment issues. He can't be with one woman. The right thing is to pull away from him but I feel he is my soulmate. I can't just let that go without a fight. I actually tried to and it seemed more like torture to myself than to him. I've gotten into relationships simply to stop thinking about him. They did not last because they were not real from the beginning. A friend of mine was in the same situation and she told me that I just have to figure it out for myself. I just find it funny how I can see other people's problems but I can't really see mine. I have been in denile. He hurt me really bad but I still love him because I believe he really loves me too. We have the perfect time together but once we talk about feelings he gets stiff. He shuts off from me like I'm some kind of stranger. Can't he see how much that hurts me? I don't know what to do but I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I want to hear those three little words and if I don't I know what to do. I need to let go and focus on me. I can't go cold turkey but every little bit counts. I will always love this man but I can't be wondering if he is with someone else. I deserve better. At times I have thought that I am unworthy of love because of my family. My mother never told me she loved me. My brother that I looked up to always called me ugly. I just never fit into my family and this is why I do not keep in contact with them. The wounds are always open and I'm not sure they can be fixed. The advice I offer to anyone who is in this situation is to fix yourself first.

Sick of being Sick

No, I do not have the swine flu, but I do have the common cold. I have been out of school for almost two weeks. I have been really weak, and I have had headaches that last all day long. I need to buy some food but I don't have a car and Cali weather is not so great right now. I have been sick since school started. I was hoping last quarter would be it. Last quarter I was sick for a month and it cost me my grade an A, two C, and two B's. Most people would say that is good but for someone trying to get on the dean's list, it's terrible. I have not been on the dean's list since my freshman year. It really sucks. I blame it on my sickness. My roommate has pnemonia also. The dorms contributed to that. The whole fall and most of winter quarter our heater did not work. Even though we put in several request for maintance request, nobody came. I was really angry at housing because it shows that they do not care about student's education. They just want our money. Right now I'm torn between living off campus and staying. Being on campus gives me the luxury of sleeping in but being off gives me the luxury of less noise and privacy. The decision is my own. I just hope I make the right one.