Focus

Having a good day

I've been up and down with emotions and decisions. "Life is really as hard as you make it", that's what my ex used to tell me. It's true. People can be horrible to you, but how you respond to the situation is up to you. 

I ultimately want to be a jewelry designer. I love beauty. Making jewelry and accessories makes me happy. Pure joy. In the midst of graduating from college and looking for work, I've gotten down on myself. I lost focus.

Now that I've had time to just sit down, meditate, and think about my happiness, I realize I've been beating myself up over nothing. Yes I have no job. It's true that companies have taken me for granted. It's true that I let them. It's true that I let the opinion of others prevent me from my dreams. Now what?

Now, I'm just getting back to me. Learning html, css, and python. I realize that I don't have let go of my dreams. I just have to change how I will get there. This is the age transformation through technology. That's fine with me. I love creating something out of nothing. My focus has not changed but the journey has. 

I honestly thought it would be a piece of cake after graduating college. Boy, was I wrong. Since I did not plan ahead, I have to plan forward. Meaning, I have to learn as I go. Sure, I may get into debt, but not for long. 

I was one of those people who always wanted to stay away from debt, but I realize that it's necessary to move forward in the business world. Just don't get comfortable. I'm glad that I have the friends and family that I do, because without them I would be out of focus still. 

I want people to read this article and realize that failure is not the end, but the opportunity for a new beginning. If you don't believe me. Look up the lives of your favorite celebrity and you will see how many times they fell, but got back up to win.

I'm not stopping and neither should you. Your dreams are more than an imagination, it's your present soul. Be present and keep moving forward. Persevere through it all.

My Life

Smiling through the darkness

Right now I'm doing my best to stay positive. It's hard. I went to college. I got a college degree. I should be able to find a decent paying job. Right now that dream job hasn't showed up yet. While I was in school I figured I would be at ABC 7 news when I graduated. I would start off as a fact checker and then work my way up to being a reporter or producer. I feel I could do both. I love to write and get to know people.
I thought getting in the door would be easy but life got in the way. I failed my driver's test twice. I got scammed into doing "marketing" or "sales" jobs since graduating college. Meaning various multi-level marketing companies pretending to be legit jobs. It didn't work out for me but I still stay positive. Now I stay away from the word marketing or sales.
Since college I've been doing temp jobs through various temp agencies. I find a job that I like and then the temp agency would take me away from the "long term" assignment. It's not a good feeling when you go from being able to take care of yourself to not knowing where your next meal is going to come from. On top of all of this, I have to deal with family drama too.
Life is hard out here for me right now but I know it will get better. I want to be a great writer and I will be. I just have to get out there and find my own stories. Right now art, music, articles, and journals are keeping me sane. Sometimes I wish I did not live in a capitalistic society. I feel like I work hard and I don't get anything in return for it, besides being tired.
I run into old friends and they wonder why they don't see me out anymore. I don't want to be the broke girl hoping a friend will have my back. I want to be the girl who can take care of herself and help others when needed. It may feel like the world is on my shoulders, but I have to remember that Allah (God) has got my back. I'm a strong person and I will get to my goal no matter what.

What about Black women?

So I'm looking at season two, episode seven of  La La's Full Court Life.  La La's trainer, Hino is talking about how he doesn't want to date black women anymore because they're angry, they're not adventurous in bed, they don't like to skydive or ski, and they try to be divas when they don't qualify to be one.

In my head, I'm just like who the hell has he been meeting? I love to ski and I want to sky dive, I am very adventurous, I do get angry but only if someone provokes me, and I don't try to be something I'm not.

I took his statements offensively because I am a Black and Native American woman. It sucks to hear this from a Black man because he came from a Black woman. How can he "hate" something that's apart of him.

Anyways, I'm looking at them on a trapeze. I actually went bungee jumping several times. I love the thrill of not having control.

I think Hino just hasn't met the right black woman. Maybe Hino should try to come to the bay. La La tried to change Hino's mind, but to me it's already made up. It's seems like Hino wants easy, not real. It's like Charlemagne said: "He's a trainer. He's used to being in control and if someone challenges that, then it's a problem".

This is just another sad example as to why other races think all Black women are angry and everything else that's negative. I know who I am, but it still hurts to hear this from a black man like Hino. Let me know how you feel about Black women. Do you agree with Hino or do you have a totally different perspective?

This Past Week

I started this new job in Berkeley, a city I love and want to live in. I just can't afford it yet. I love my job and I love the people I work with. I enjoy getting to work an hour early just so I can walk around and experience the essence of Berkeley: the people. I look at each store and person and examine them. I just wonder what can I learn. I feel everyone has a story from the bum and his dog to the executive in a rush. There's a reason these people are here in Berkeley. I feel like home when I'm there. It makes me so happy. From my very first time there until now I still get excited to be around such culture and activism.
Sometimes I wonder if I made a mistake not going to Cal. Then I remember that everything happens for a reason. There were people I was supposed to meet and I wouldn't be where I am today without those experiences. We all have things that we wish we could change, but life is uncontrollable to an extent.
Everyday is a step closer to learning who you are and where you want to go. When I was younger I wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, a coroner, an artist, a singer, a business leader , and so much more. Now I wonder sometimes what it is I want to do exactly. One thing I know for sure is that I want the freedom to call the shots. I realize now more than ever I have the power to be whatever and whoever I want to be if I just believe in myself. This is something I need to work on. It's a habit from my childhood, I was told this is who I am and I believed it. Now I know I'm more than that. It's just hard to get out of a 24 year bad habit.
Everyday is a learning experience and I love it. We all have our up and our down days, but it's what we learn from each experience that helps us. I'm happy that I am getting closer to my heart's desires. My advice to anyone else who comes by my blog is to do what you want and if you can't, do something that will get you closer to getting to do what you want. The only person that can limit you is you.
Parents do have a say in a child's life but don't let your dream go. Parents tend to put their dreams and beliefs on to their children without much thought. That carries over into adulthood. I'm proof. Everyone is strong enough to fulfill their dreams and be happy. Do what the authoritative figure in your life says, but also do what you love. There's time for both until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself.
Have a lovely day or night and I hope this random thought somehow helps you move forward with your life. It's never to late to be who you want to be. Age is just a number and life is just a phase. Live everyday like it's your last stage. You're the star of your own show.

Banks....

Let's be real. Banks are not on any one's side but their own. Your money nor my money is safe in a bank, but we need to have a bank account to function in American society. It sucks, but that's life.

Fact: banks make more money off extra fees than anything else. 
Fact: banks take to long to give people their money back. 
Fact: banks are counting on your overdraft fees and the fact that most people don't actually read their agreements with the bank. 

I fell victim to this with Wells Fargo. I was in college and needed a bank account. I went with Wells Fargo because that's what my roommate had at that time. I went to sign up for a college account and the lady helped me do that. A few months later I noticed some fees on my account. I went in and talked to a teller about it. He told me that I did not have a college account, but a regular one and that cost $10 per a month. I was shocked. That woman smiled in face and lied to me just to meet her monthly quota. After that I kept my membership with Wells Fargo.

A year later I was a victim of  a scam. I figured it out went into the bank and showed them all the paper work and they said everything should be fine. They knew I got scammed. The next day they told me that I could no longer be a member of their bank and I should go elsewhere as soon as possible. I did, but after that I told my story to everyone I knew. I am now at Bank of America and haven't had any issues yet. I understand what I need to do to keep my account in good standing. If there is anything you should learn about banks, it's that you should really do your homework. Figure out what the purpose of a bank is and check out customer and employee reviews.  Know what kind of account you really need. If you aren't saving, then you don't need a savings account. Always have a plan A, B, and C. This economy is not the greatest right now and everyone wants money, especially banks.

Hopefully, this has been helpful to someone. I wish I knew this stuff before. I'm glad I know now.

Religion and Other Opinions

Since college, I noticed that many people around me don't read their holy scripture. They just follow what religious leaders say is right. I was one of those people as a child. As I got older, I started to question what others said about Islam. The more I questioned, the less I believed in Islam.

It didn't make since how a religion could say that man and women are equal but also say it's okay to beat your wife. That's when I knew I couldn't see myself marrying a Muslim man. Also, I didn't believe in going to war if someone talks bad about or denounces the Islamic religion. To me that is giving Muslims the right to go to war with anyone of another religion. I'm sure there is truth in there somewhere but I think men have altered the Qur'an for their own benefit. Many Muslim try to defend the religion, but they can not defend the words that are in the Qur'an.

Also in Christianity there are similar situations that occur. Because of this I believe that religions are man's way of controlling the masses. I do believe there is a god, but I do not believe that I should choose a certain religion. The reason I believe in god is because there are things in my life that have happened beyond the control of humans. There had to be a greater power that had these things happen.

Also, I believe in astrology because I have had things in my life that have happened in my life that a psychic knew. These are things that nobody knew but me. I also have seen things come true about others that people thought the psychic was lying about. It made them a believer. I also believe in science and destiny. These are all things that mainstream religions denounce. In the Qur'an it does talk about the Zodiac and how it is guarded from evil. I believe that but there are people out there who take advantage of people's belief in astrology and just take it to another level.

My friend Bayo says that I'm confused. Maybe I am, but I am sure that I can't be a part of a religion without fully understanding it. It's hard for me to say that's I'm not Muslim because that religion was instilled in me at a young age. It feels wrong to say it because it's different. I'm a pretty open person but religion is really complicated. So for now, I just treat others how I would want to be treated. You can't go wrong with the golden rule.

2011 to 2012

My Chinese zodiac is a Rabbit. So, it's great the 2011 was the year of the Rabbit. I am happy to say that I started off the year with a Marketing Management position. It's great, but it's also stressful when marketing strategies don't go your way. SlugBooks.com has a great web site where students at certain schools can save up to 70% or more on web sites. I don't see why they wouldn't take this offer.

We'll that was short lived. Slug Books was great but I took a better opportunity. This opportunity seemed great at the time but I didn't realize how much work I had to really put in. Stress and family go to me. I stopped working towards my goals and started being depressed and isolated.

2011 turned out to be a learning experience. The year of the Rabbit is gone and now enters the year of the Dragon. The year of the Dragon has been a lot more promising. I've made some new and drastic changes for the better. It's nice to be in an environment where I can hear myself think and just move forward. I've stopped contact with negative people, and focused on positivity.  I wake up everyday happy to go to work and do what I want to do. I have plenty of time to write and dance. The year of the Dragon for me is the year of Action. I'm doing what I need to do and what I have to do. I hope the same has been happening for others.